What would never be
by Mysterious Sapphire Butterfly
Summary: It's not supposed to be.. I'm so sorry


**hey guys.. this is a Tomoyo/Syaoran fanfic. but it deals with them as friends. until Syao screws up later! LOL...**

**it is an incident out of my very own colourful life. with some minor editing; as i don't speak english very often in my country!**

**Disclaimer: Syaoran, Tomoyo and Cardcaptor Sakura belong to CLAMP. not me!**

**the story is in Tomoyo's POV**

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**What could never be**

I was in shock.

Yes, literally frozen, to make myself more precise.

I was curled up under my quilt, my hands clutching my phone to my heart.

I tried to calm myself, to not hyperventilate.

But my flushed cheeks and accelerated heart couldn't come back to normal mode.

I shakily forced my self into sitting position, my quilt over my head.

The dim light of the room muffled everything.

I looked at the last message on my phone, my eyes suddenly so very guilty and sad:

_Well, you are right._

I instantly felt a wave of nausea creep through me and disgust at myself.

It was so wrong. So not happening!

I screamed silently, tears suddenly mingling with the beaded sweat on my cheeks.

I had never hated myself the way I hated myself that night.

I mechanically shoved my breakfast into my mouth, not tasting anything. It was 6o' clock in the morning. I had barely slept a wink after the incident, which my sharp and ever observant mother was quick to notice.

"You alright, Tomoyo-chan?" she asked me, her eyes worried. "Perhaps you shouldn't go to class today.."

"No, Oka-san. I feel fine. I am leaving," I whispered, not really convincing myself.

Math class passed by in a whirlwind. I was too sleepy to notice anything.

As I trudged home, something hit me.

He might be expecting an answer!

Agony swept over me. I shut me eyes and took a deep breath.

It wasn't like this.

It couldn't be!

Why oh why, Syaoran? Why did you do this?

Anyone, absolutely anyone could see that Sakura and Syaoran were meant for each other.

They were the beautiful couple everyone would talk about.

Even though Sakura really didn't take much notice of Syaoran, I was helping him on it.

I was helping him to get to Sakura.

But little did I know…

Li Syaoran had fallen in love with _me_.

And I didn't feel the same.

I knew it.

Not for the first time in my life, boys I got close to had developed feelings for me.

Perhaps it was my fault.

May-be I'm the one to blame… May-be I flirted with them, gave them a chance to even think of such an absurd possibility.

Scratch that; such an absurd _impossible_ possibility.

I wasn't drop dead gorgeous or anything; that was Sakura.

Dark-hair, short, not athletic, that would describe me. Always buried in the books kind of girl.

Sakura was the beautiful goddess; tanned honey brown skin, soft auburn hair, beautiful emerald green eyes and a body to die for.

She was the type to catch the guy's eye. Not me.

I was her faithful best friend; always hidden in the shadows.

I hate the limelight. I simply can't bear people staring at me. I get all uncomfortable and glassy-eyed.

Syaoran, well he shocked me all right.

And as far as I knew myself, I was going to break his heart.

But I decided to give him a chance. As far as I knew, Sakura didn't really like him. Not now at least.

For his happiness, for his contentment; I should give him a fair chance.

I tried to make myself like him. No, I already liked him. He was the sweetest, kindest, nicest friend one could have.

I tried to make myself love him.

I cringed. _So wrong_.

Daidouji Tomoyo could never love Li Syaoran the way she loved… _**him.**_

*flashback*

"I'm sorry Eriol; I have to leave," I whispered shakily, my eyes downcast and moist.

Eriol looked at me, shock evident in his eyes. He quickly composed himself and said, "As a matter of fact I'm leaving too, Tomoyo-san. I need to go to London to finish my… studies."

I nodded, tears falling down my cheeks. Nakuru had let something slip over dinner. It was enough for me to figure out.

I raised my hand to wipe them off, but Eriol beat me to it.

"Hush, Tomoyo. I promise I won't take long," he whispered, his eyes exceedingly gentle as they wiped my tears. His cool hands cupped my face and forced me to look into his tender, warm eyes.

At that instant, I wanted to scream at him: I love you, Eriol! More that just a friend.!

He gently rested his forehead against mine and whispered, "you'll always be my best friend slash critic Tomoyo…" I managed a watery smile, bracing myself for the words.

But they didn't come.

And before I could open my mouth, he was gone.

*end of flashback*

It took me 3 days to eat again.

I made myself a cup of coffee as I stared out at the sunset.

It was orange. And I simply loved the colour.

Syaoran and me were too different to be together.

And while I loved Eriol, I could never love Syaoran.

I knew I was being selfish, but I was tired of trying to be the people's princess all the time.

I deserved my happiness too.

And it wasn't with Li Syaoran.

5 o'clock.

I stood on the terrace, my eyes staring at the buildings before me.

They really obstructed the view now.

I turned around and mentally cringed as I heard the foot steps.

I managed a poor impression of a smile and turned to my 2nd guy best friend. Li Syaoran.

The first being Ichigo.

Poor Ichigo. I hadn't spoken to him for a week he knew I must be hurting inside, so he called me everyday. I hadn't answered his calls.

"Hi," I said, hoping my voice wasn't shaky.

Syaoran grinned back and put his hands in his pockets, and leaned against the stone wall. Clearly waiting for me to speak.

I took a deep breath and said, rather awkwardly, "umm... How have you been?"

He looked at me with a weird look in his eyes. As though doubting my sanity. "Fine… you?"

"I'm OK," I mumbled, looking at the ground.

I hated it when my voice betrayed me like this. How was I supposed to do this?

How was I supposed to tell him that I'm not the one for him?

How was I supposed to make it sound like it wasn't his fault and that I'm a raving lunatic anyway?

How was I supposed to keep my 2nd best friend by my side forever?

I bit my lip, my brow furrowed and said, "I'm sorry Syaoran. I don't feel the same way about you. You'll always be my friend though."

I cringed. What a blatant lie that was.

His face fell. I guessed he wasn't expecting this.

"Oh, OK. Sure thing. Don't worry about it," he said, turning away.

But the Syaoran I knew wouldn't stop at that.

"I knew you have to study and stuff. I'll wait for you," he said, still not looking at me.

"No! I mean, you do know… about Eriol," I muttered. Saying his name was painful.

"You know he's not coming back."

And then, everything faded away.

All I could see was red.

I was angry, really mad. But I knew I would upset the situation further, if I reacted in this way.

I shrugged and said, "You can't convince me. You know me; I'm too morbid for my own good."

He laughed at this and I smiled back, slightly hopeful.

May-be he'd put all of this behind as a joke or something.

May-be we would go back to being Tomoyo and Syaoran, the sweet friends. The brother-sister duo and stuff.

But then I remembered the old saying, "out of sight, out of mind."

I had to do this. For him.

I had to make him see that I wasn't good enough for him.

And so, I looked at him solemnly and mumbled, "Syaoran, I will have to stop talking to you for sometime."

He grinned at this and then suddenly became serious on seeing my face. "Really? Why though… you can't! And you won't."

"Try me," I said through gritted teeth.

He laughed and said, "yeah , right."

"Unless you hate me, you'll always be in love with me. And it's wrong! It's not meant to be like this! You know it! I mean, its so bloody wrong! And I'm not good for you! I'm bad! I'm evil! I'm not Sakura, Syaoran!"

He winced.

"Anyways, I have to leave. I'll see you around."

And when I walked off, I never looked back.

Even when I so badly wanted to run to him, to apologize, to be friends again.

But getting over someone is not easy. Not when that someone is always around; smiling laughing with you.

I spent many sleepless nights, thinking about all this.

I cried before Ichigo, who was so worried that he actually considered calling Syaoran and sorting things out.

But I knew this was the best possible way.

It was the only way.

I would never ever forgive myself though.

I broke his heart.

I should rot in hell for what I did.

He said he loved me because I was different.

I changed myself, so that he would hate me.

And he does. I am successful, right?

But what about… me?

I needed my friend back.

But I know he's gone. Forever.

I'm no saint; I need my happiness

And it was not with Li Syaoran.

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